My brother Jim, his wife George Ann and I chatted as we sat around the toasty wood stove following dinner at our Adirondack retreat. While catching up on family news and basking in the peace of a room devoid of all intrusive devices, my sister-in-law gently asked the question that lurks waiting for an answer that I have not found. “Have you thought about long term plans for Micah”? The question hung in the air for a moment, as I tried to sum up my ongoing inner planning for my youngest son.
I told them about the offer from Micah’s older brother to be Micah’s guardian, but could not adequately explain why I have taken no steps to start the legal process to add him as Micah’s secondary guardian. It is not because I do not trust him, but because I know what an enormous responsibly he will be taking on. The hard truth is that parents of special needs children are the only parents on the planet who secretly hope to outlive their child. Not because we do not want them to have a long, happy life, but that we fear that no one else will care for them as we have. We know the good and the hard of the life of vigilant caretaker and we do not want to hoist the hard on others.
I know I am lucky that Micah has many people who deeply care about him, and that his brother will undoubtedly have the full support of his other siblings if he takes on the role of primary guardian. But I know he is still finding his niche in the world and wonder if he or the lovely woman he plans to marry have an inkling of the enormous responsibility of keeping Micah well and safe. Do they understand that they will be his voice when I can no longer speak for him? Will they willingly take up the mantle of quietly evaluating all who care for Micah, ever on the alert for wolves in sheep’s clothing who prey on the defenseless? I know this from hard experience because at least one wolf got past me, so I am hyper- alert to any signs of others who might harm Micah.
And so the questions linger, and I, who have spent a career helping others as they work out their life plans, remain immobilized, seeking a perfect plan that will provide the safe, happy life that I so desire for each of the precious children that I have been blessed with. A solid plan will undoubtedly come with time, prompted by caring loved ones who pose the questions that simmer, waiting for a clear answers.
Jan Lessard Peightell October 15, 2020