In our consumer driven culture, it might seem ironic to write about the challenge of gift giving for our family member with Autism. The challenge over the years being the reality that Micah does not like new things and does not ask for anything, yet those of us who love him, want him to enjoy the gifts we have carefully chosen for him.
Decembers are a special challenge as Micah’s birthday is in early December followed by the mega gift giving season of Christmas. Each year I am asked for ideas of what he might like and am generally forced to admit that I am not sure what to get him myself, much less provide suggestions for other wannabe gift givers. Clothing is a challenge as, if given a choice, he would wear the same pajamas every night of the year. He does not like new shirts unless they are of a certain softness and have been washed a few times. His brothers have made it their mission to buy him some t-shirts that are not, in their words “lame” like the shirts I buy for him. But even their stylish shirts are often rejected for a while before he is willing to wear them.
Micah is a big movie fan, so picking up a new video for him to add to his collection is a good idea, but the challenge is to convince him to watch it a couple times in hopes it will become one that he will desire to choose to watch for his movie pick of the day. He has been known to fixate on one movie for weeks, resulting in that movie needing to disappear for a while to avoid the risk of other family members wanting to destroy it, not being able to bear the thought of hearing the same Disney tunes one more time as the tunes have been stuck swirling around our minds for too many days.
Christmas morning became a bittersweet occasion for many years as, like all parents, we hoped to bask in the joy of watching our child receive carefully chosen gifts with happiness. For years I insisted that all family members needed to be up to open their stockings at the same time, only to finally admit that it was far better to let Micah sleep in, if possible, while the rest of us enjoyed discovering what was in our stockings. Pulling gifts out of a stuffed stocking still makes no sense to Micah. Our holiday became less stressful when I finally realized it was better to not make him join us for the gift giving ritual if he was not up or if he did not want to participate. I still cannot bear the thought of not filling his stocking, but have learned that, like all my sons, he will NOT be remotely interested in the new socks, underwear and pajamas packed in his stocking, no matter how much needed. Nor will he have interest in any other items except the orange and the bag of sour patch candies…. his favorite. He would be completely happy with those two items and nothing else as gifts. However, once rooted out of the stocking, the candies need to be rationed carefully or he will eat the entire bag in a flash, which then has led to what I believe are sugar induced headaches. Thus, his favorite gift is one that we need to pry out of his grip as soon as he has happily opened the bag and consumed a few. Micah’s love of sour foods does provide other options for stocking stuffers as he will eat lemons like apples (skin and all) if he finds some unguarded. Thus, there is some variety in his stocking contents from year to year.
So back to the question of what to give someone who does not ask for anything? Those who love him have come up with a few tried and true ideas over the years. Cash gifts generously provided for Micah are often put towards outings to places known to please him, like lunch at one of his favorite restaurants. Another sure bet is movie tickets, especially if he is going to watch a sequel to one of his favorite movies. But to make sure the trip goes well; he must have a big bucket of buttered popcorn as his main attraction.
There is one family member who has come up with a true winner of a gift for Micah that capitalizes on the fact that he likes to eat, and that food is the most consistently proven smile maker. Each birthday for the past several years, Micah has received a big bag full of different muffin mixes from his Aunt Judy. Micah might look a bit puzzled as we show him all the options, he has for picking out his morning breakfasts, but he clearly enjoys eating them and is able to help in the mixing and preparing, which helps to hone his cooking skills. Truth be told, Aunt Judy is most likely also trying to hone my cooking skills as she was the first person to introduce my children to homemade cookies. Years ago, when Judy came and helped care for the boys for a few days, they were entranced to learn that delicious cookies could be made at home in our own oven instead of coming from a bag from the grocery store. I am quite sure Judy decided that my poor children needed to be rescued from their mother’s lack of baking skills, thus eventually leading to her brilliant gift giving idea for Micah.
The lesson learned from Micah’s total lack of materialism is that the best gifts for him have been ones he can enjoy as well as share with others. The gift back is to see the beauty in his lack of the consumerism gene; a constant reminder that we are brought closer together as a family while we share Micah’s joy in the simple, but powerful gifts of food and fellowship.
Jan Lessard Peightell
July 10, 2019